[ooc: see this for more reference to the subject.]

Some time before dawn he wakes once more, nuzzling close to his engel.  He finally remembers everything about Her, and what she did.  It's a loss of course, but it's also relieved him of so much, and tied up so many loose ends in his life.  He knows the answer now to that question he once craved answered so badly that he had scratched it into his own skin.  He knows why.  Or at least he knows enough of why to let the past be finally buried.

He remembers his "cousin" now.  Small and precocious, he was reminiscent of Cami when she first came to live with he and Jarkko.  A little boy with big eyes and an even bigger heart, but who he couldn't bear to be around because of all he represented.  Until his "cousin" had been born, Jason had been a name he felt belonged to him.  But She had taken even that.  It was his no longer - She had given it to the little boy who looked so much like him he was sure the world knew why.

She had been dead almost as many years now as little Jason had been alive until She grew bored with him.  He shudders, knowing if there had been more to question it, he may well have ended up the star beneath the stairs years before little jason was born.  A little voice long gone asks Am I the star beneath the stairs, am I the ghost upon the stage, am I your anything? He murmurs to the ghost who sings to him: "You... are my son.  Sorry I couldn't save you.  I needed saving myself back then, and didn't find my saviour till years later." The tiny little whisper sings back to him

And I don't want to, die tonight will you believe in me
And I don't, want to fall into the light

Will you wish upon, will you walk upon me?
I don't wanna die tonight

He sighs deep.  "I'm sorry.  She broke me too, but in different ways.  It took me twenty years to mend most of what She tore.  And I'm still working on it.  I knew I couldn't save you.  But at least I'm still here.  But you changed me.  Even through my amnesia, I felt compelled to guard, nurture and protect every child I could.  I kept wanting more and more kinder.  Now I know why.  I wanted them because I didn't have you.  Now I have you back.  I have claimed you as mine, and taken you back from Her.  You are my son.  And you have my name, Jason."

He feels small arms around him, and hears a tiny whisper of love and thanks.  He hugs back, even though he knows there's nothing corporeal about this embrace.  Then, as  he holds and rocks the son he couldn't acknowledge while he'd been alive, he feels him leave, whispering again, Thank you, Papa.  "You're welcome, son.  Godspeed."

As the first rays of sun peer over the horizon, he sighs softly and looks at his saviour, so drained from all of this that he's out cold beside him.  He cuddles close to him, pulling the blanket up around him, feeling a sudden chill though the room is not cold.  He knows that in a little over a week he will have one more child, perhaps his last.  He's still concerned about how Jsrkko may react, but he's no longer afraid.  After all they have been through together, he knows this can't stop them.  He knows that together they are invincible.  He knows that this time, in the end, they will go Home.

Poor Celestina. What has she gone and done to you? Just when I thought I was over losing you, your mother takes you out of the world permanently. I can't even begin to express the horror and devastation your Vati, your brothers and sisters and I feel.

Before she murdered you, there was a scar in our family where your mother had cut you out. Now there is a void, black and desolate. She even got rid of your photos, Starshine. How could she be so cruel? You were her flesh, her seed, her own daughter.

It takes a horrid, twisted, despicable monster to do such a thing to their own child. And for what? To get some attention? To twist the knives a half-twist further, deeper into our backs? At least you will never be whored off by her. You will never be sold to the highest bidder so they can steal your innocence and soil you forever. You will remain forever pure, and now you are where even she can't sink her evil claws into you.

Rest in peace, sweet Starshine. Your Papa and Vati love you endlessly.



This Time Imperfect

I cannot leave here, I cannot stay,
Forever haunted, more than afraid,
Asphyxiate on words I would say,
I'm drawn to a blackened sky as I turn blue,

There are no flowers, no not this time,
There'll be no angels gracing the lines,
Just these stark words, I find,
I'd show a smile, but I'm too weak,
I'd share with you could I only speak,
Just how much this, hurts me,


I cannot stay here, I cannot leave,
Just like all I loved, I'm make-believe,
Imagined heart, I disappear,
Seems...no one will appear here and make me real,

There are no flowers, no, not this time,
There will be no angels gracing the lines,
Just these stark words I find,
I'd show a smile, but I'm too weak,
I'd share with you could I only speak,
Just how much this hurts me,

I'd tell you how it haunts me,
I'd tell you how it haunts me,
(cuts through my day, and sinks into my dreams)
I'd tell you that it haunts me,
(cuts through my day, and sinks into my dreams)
You don't care that it haunts me,

Oh!
There are no flowers, no, not this time,
There will be no angels gracing the lines,
Just these stark words I find,
I'd show a smile, but I'm too weak,
I'd share with you could I only speak,
Just how much this hurts me,
Just how much this hurts me,
Just how much you...
-AFI


Morningstar

I saw a star beneath the stairs
Glowing through the melting walls
Who will be the first to begin their fall?
Or will we become one?

Am I the star beneath the stairs?
Am I the ghost upon the stage?
Am I your anything?

I saw a star beneath the stairs
Glowing bright before descent
And in the morning there is nothing left but what's inside of me.

Am I the star beneath the stairs?
Am I the ghost upon the stage?
Am I your anything?
Am I the star beneath the stairs?
Am I the ghost upon the stage?
Am I your anything?

And I don't want to die tonight, will you believe me?
And I don't want to fall into the light
Will you wish upon?
Will you walk upon me?
I don't wanna die tonight

Will you believe in me tonight?
Am I the star beneath the stairs?
Am I the ghost upon the stage?
Am I your anything?
Am I the star beneath the stairs?
Am I the ghost upon the stage?
Am I your anything?
-AFI

Looking back, these past four years, I've screwed up so many times. Looking back, it makes me cry, to know how much the things I've done have tormented you. Those times, the times of huge mistakes... are gone by. I promise you. I'm still the man you fell in love with four years ago, yet still I've changed. I've learned. I've grown.

I swear - no more foolishness. I swear - no more huge mistakes. The little ones happen whether we want them or not sometimes, but the huge ones, those can usually be avoided. I swear - I will avoid them at all costs. I never want to hurt you like that again. I could never live with myself if I did. I am yours. All yours. And I am so thankful to be yours.

I need you - more than food, more than water, more than air even. You are my life. You are why I am here. You keep me safe and whole, and when I'm too weak to stand you hold me up, and when I'm too weak to walk you carry me. But I vow to do the same for you. You may be my keeper, but doesn't a keeper need his ward as much as the ward needs a guardian? You are my everything.

Everything good in my life I can trace back to you. Even the things from before, you helped me re-discover, you unlocked the good things I had buried away. Looking back, I have put you through hell. But every time we grew through it, every time we moved on and were stronger, closer, better than ever before. This is a new era of our life together. An era of peace and prosperity. I promise - no more huge mistakes. No more knives in your back. No more hurting you. I swear. We have found our way back to love and only love.

A whole year of marriage today. I'm amazed. I love you more than I can say. And through everything, we just keep getting stronger. Du bist mein, engel, mein heiland, mein liebe, fur immer, durch die unendlichkeit.

Forever and ever,
My heart will be true!
Sweetheart, forever,
I’ll wait for you!

We both made a promise,
That we’d never part,
Let’s seal it with a kiss,
Forever my Sweetheart!

Let bygones be bygones forever,
We’ll fall in love once again . . .
So, let’s tell the world of our new love divine,
Forever and ever you’ll be mine!

Forever and ever,
My heart will be true!
Sweetheart, forever,
I’ll wait for you!

We both made a promise,
That we’d never part,
Let’s seal it with a kiss,
Forever my Sweetheart!

Let bygones be bygones forever,
We’ll fall in love once again . . .
So, let’s tell the world of our new love divine,
Forever and ever you’ll be mine!

We both made a promise,
That we’d never part,
Let’s seal it with a kiss,
Forever my Sweetheart!

Bygones be bygones forever . . .

-Forever and Ever by Perry Como

God how you make me shine.

Shine by Collective Soul

Give me a word
Give me a sign
Show me where to look
Tell what will I find ( will I find )
Lay me on the ground
Fly me in the sky
Show me where to look
Tell me what will I find ( will I find )

Oh, heaven let your light shine down
Oh, heaven let your light shine down
Oh, heaven let your light shine down
Oh, heaven let your light shine down

Love is in the water
Love is in the air
Show me where to go
Tell me will love be there ( love be there )
Teach me how to speak
Teach me how to share
Teach me where to go
Tell me will love be there ( love be there )

Oh, heaven let your light shine down
Oh, heaven let your light shine down
Oh, heaven let your light shine down
Oh, heaven let your light shine down

I'm going to let it shine,
I'm going to let it shine
Heavens little light gonna shine on me
Yea yea heavens little light gonna shine on me
It's gonna shine, shine on me
It's gonna shine, come on in shine

This should be a happy day. Why do I feel like crying?


Twenty - five years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination
And I realized quickly when I knew I should
That the world was made up of this brotherhood of man
For whatever that means
And so I cry sometimes
When I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out
What's in my head
And I am feeling a little peculiar
And so I wake in the morning
And I step outside
And I take a deep breath and I get real high
And I scream at the top of my lungs
What's going on?
And I say, hey hey hey hey
I said hey, what's going on?
Ooh, ooh ooh
And I try, oh my god do I try
I try all the time, in this institution
And I pray, oh my god do I pray
I pray every single day
For a revolution
And so I cry sometimes
When I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out
What's in my head
And I am feeling a little peculiar
And so I wake in the morning
And I step outside
And I take a deep breath and I get real high
And I scream at the top of my lungs
What's going on?
And I say, hey hey hey hey
I said hey, what's going on?
Twenty - five years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination

-What's Up by 4 Non Blondes

I think I've earned my wings now... Time to fly.


Learn to Fly by The Foo Fighters

Run and tell all of the angels
This could take all night
Think I need a devil to help me get things right
Hook me up a new revolution
Cause this one is a lie
We sat around laughing and watched the last one die

And I'm looking to the sky to save me
Looking for a sign of life
Looking for something to help me burn out bright

I'm looking for a complication
Looking cause I'm tired of lying
Make my way back home when I learn to fly high

I think I'm done nursing the patience
It couldn’t wait one night
I'd give it all away if you give me one last try
We'll live happily ever trapped if you just save my life
Run and tell the angels that everything's alright...

I'm looking to the sky to save me
Looking for a sign of life
Looking for something to help me burn out bright

I'm looking for a complication
Looking cause I'm tired of trying
Make my way back home when I learn to fly high
Make my way back home when I learn to

Fly along with me, I can't quite make it alone
Try to make this life my own

Fly along with me, I can't quite make it alone
Try to make this life my own

I'm looking to the sky to save me
Looking for a sign of life (sign of life)
Looking for something to help me burn out bright

I'm looking for a complication
Looking cause I'm tired of trying (tired of trying)
Make my way back home when I learn to

I'm looking to the sky to save me
Looking for a sign of life (sign of life)
Looking for something to help me burn out bright

I'm looking for a complication
Looking cause I'm tired of trying
Make my way back home when I learn to fly high
Make my way back home when I learn to fly
Make my way back home when I learn to… (Learn to, learn to, learn to, learn to…)

I've gone and hurt him again. He'd be so much better off without me hurting him over and over. I don't mean to hurt him, I never mean to. But I just keep doing it. He should leave me. He'd be better off without me.

I cannot leave here, I cannot stay,
Forever haunted, more than afraid.
Asphyxiate on words I would say,
I'm drawn to a blackened sky as I turn blue.

There are no flowers, no not this time,
There'll be no angels gracing the lines,
Just these stark words, I find.
I'd show a smile, but i'm too weak,
I'd share with you could I only speak,
Just how much this, hurts me.

I cannot stay here, I cannot leave
Just like all I loved, I'm make-believe
Imagined heart, I disappear
Seems...no one will appear here and make me real

There are no flowers, no, not this time
There will be no angels gracing the lines
Just these stark words I find
I'd show a smile, but I'm too weak
I'd share with you could I only speak
Just how much this hurts me

I'd tell you how it haunts me,
I'd tell you how it haunts me,
(cuts through my day, and sinks into my dreams.)
I'd tell you that it haunts me,
(cuts through my day, and sinks into my dreams.)
You don't care that it haunts me.

Oh!!!,
There are no flowers, no, not this time
There will be no angels gracing the lines
Just these stark words I find
I'd show a smile, but I'm too weak
I'd share with you could I only speak
Just how much this hurts me
Just how much this hurts me....

- This Time Imperfect by AFI

Something Keja said last night set me to thinking. I had written a post about how wonderful he is and how lucky I am to have him in forums and he stumbled across it and was so touched by it he cried. He also said he felt like he should tell me more often what I mean to him, but that he usually found himself lost for words.

I thought on this long and hard, and I came to a conclusion. In our band we compose songs together. He writes the music and I add lyrics. This is also the way we write the song of our life together. He is a man of actions, but few words. He is more likely to show me he why and how much he loves me than to tell me. He is the music in our song together. I, on the other hand, have a knack for words. Though sometimes I stumble, usually I am good at finding the right words to say to fit the moment, whatever that moment may be. So I am the lyrics in our song.

Without the lyrics, the song wouldn't mean the same, and without the music, the song would lack a foundation. We are equal in importance, and both express ourselves fully in our own way, but he is the music, and I am the lyrics. We need each other. We each are vital to composing the song of our life.

Sometimes he feels as though he doesn't express himself well enough, but he does. He is the music, the foundation, the part of the song that is all emotion, all heart, all showing, but no actual telling. I am the words, there is emotion behind them, but it would fall flat without the music, there is heart, but the music provides the beat for that heart, the words show, but they need the music to put a frame of reference around them, and the words do the telling.

He doesn't realize that every day he shows me how much he loves me and needs me in every little thing he does. Every touch, every kiss, every happy sigh, every caress shows me just how much I mean to him. So even though he is a man of few words, and sometimes I am a man of too few actions, we work perfectly together. I couldn't think of anyone better to co-write the song of my life with. And I am so glad that he can provide the music while I write the lyrics.

Watching you sleep. you are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. All the worry and sorrow and hardship the years (yes some of them recent and yes, some of these marks were caused by or worsened by my own stupidity and faults), have etched on your face vanish, and all that shows is contentment and security. Sometimes I wish I could help you stay in whatever magical place you are in that transforms you so, permanently, just to see the heavy burdens time has wraught on you lifted clear of you forever. I love you oh so very much, Keja. Fur immer.

Let me shelter you, love. Let me be your comfort. You have been so much for me. I want to comfort you. I want to be there for you the way you always are for me. I love you more than anything. As you have said Allways, all ways.


Fortress Around Your Heart by Sting

Under the ruins of a walled city
Crumbling towers and beams of yellow light
No flags of truce, no cries of pity
The siege guns had been pounding all through the night
It took a day to build the city
We walked through its streets in the afternoon
As I returned across the field's I'd known
I recognized the walls that I once made
I had to stop in my tracks for fear
Of walking on the mines I'd laid

And if I built this fortress around your heart
Encircled you in trenches and barbed wire
Then let me build a bridge
For I cannot fill the chasm
And let me set the battlements on fire

Then I went off to fight some battle
That I'd invented inside my head
Away so long for years and years
You probably thought or even wished that I was dead
While the armies are all sleeping
Beneath the tattered flag we'd made
I had to stop in my track for fear
Of walking on the mines I'd laid

And if I built this fortress around your heart
Encircled you in trenches and barbed wire
Then let me build a bridge
For I cannot fill the chasm
And let me set the battlements on fire

This prison has now become your home
A sentence you seem prepared to pay
It took a day to build the city
We walked through its streets in the afternoon
As I returned across the fields where I'd once played
I had to stop in my tracks for fear
Of walking on the mines I'd laid

And if I built this fortress around your heart
Encircled you in trenches and barbed wire
Then let me build a bridge
For I cannot fill the chasm
And let me set the battlements on fire

Bathed in and emanating comforting blue light, I drifted off to sleep, still feeling you within..... Ich liebe dich durch die unendclichkiet... T∞&B

Dive to Blue by L'Arc en Ciel
"You should start flapping soon"
Someone whispered
"Start from the line below your knee
Let's fly"

Freedom comes from your own back
"These chains have been
Tying you up since the very start
Haven't they?"

In my heart, in my heart, the sky seems to fit
I'd love to sink myself into those azure depths

Aim for the neverending night sky
Let's search for a new world
Even wavering with uncertainty
Won't make these newfound wings vanish

Sometimes there is no correct answer
God only knows what twists lie in the path ahead
Accelerate up to an unstopable speed
Remember this connection even at the peak of loneliness

Everything ma have been corrupted but
You alone don't need to grow up

Let that nostalgic light guide you
And gently hold out a waving hand
The unseen future may hold partings
But we can paint it with broken illusions

Take your foretold destiny
And toss it away into the sky

Even now, Even now, I remember
The way the morning shone on those distant days

Aim for the neverending night sky
Let's search for a new world
Even wavering with uncertainity
Won't make these new wings vanish

Let that nostalgic light guide you
And gently hold out a waving hand
The unseen future may hold partings
But we can paint it with broken illusions

Take your foretold destiny
And toss it away into the sky

I love you more than anything ever. T∞&B. Every day is a new beginning for us, and each time we are together is like the first time all over again. I know we will always have each other, no matter what else happens...

Ooh you make me live
Whatever this world can give to me
It's you you're all I see
Ooo you make me live now honey
Ooo you make me live

Ooh you're the best friend that I ever had
I've been with you such a long time
You're my sunshine and I want you to know
That my feelings are true
I really love you
Oh you're my best friend

Ooo you make me live

Ooh I've been wandering round
But I still come back to you
In rain or shine
You've stood by me [boy]
I'm happy at home
You're my best friend

Ooo you make me live
Whenever this world is cruel to me
I got you to help me forgive
Ooo you make me live now honey
Ooo you make me live

You're the first one
When things turn out bad
You know I'll never be lonely
You're my only one
And I love the things
I really love the things that you do
You're my best friend

Ooo you make me live

I'm happy at home
You're my best friend
Oh you're my best friend
Ooo you make me live
You you're my best friend
-You're My Best Friend by Queen

CIAO BABY....



Breathe in for luck
Breathe in so deep
This air is blessed
You share with me
This night is wild
So calm and dull
These hearts, they race
From self-control
Your legs are smooth
As they graze mine
We're doing fine
We're doing nothing at all

My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me
So won't you kill me
So I die happy
My heart is yours to fill or burst
To break or bury
Or wear as jewelry
Whichever you prefer

The words are hushed
Let's not get busted
Just lay entwined here
Undiscovered
Safe in here from all the stupid questions
"Hey did you get some?"
Man that is so dumb
Stay quiet
Stay near
Stay close, they can't hear
So we can get some

My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me
So won't you kill me
So I die happy
My heart is yours to fill or burst
To break or bury
Or wear as jewelry
Whichever you prefer
Hands Down by Dashboard Confessional

So a lot of my high school teachers, coaches and friends called me Mr Impatience. Here is my Senior Portrait.

After seeing his wounded mouth after the waking nightmare the other night, the only thing I could think of to help lessen his pain was cloves, and the easiest way I could think to deliver that medicine was through some Kretek cigarettes. We found a tobacconist, and I purchased some, for him, for us. And now we both taste and smell of cloves. The sweet-bitter, rich, exotic, heady taste and aroma of Kreteks... Forever, I will associate that glorious intoxicating smell, that deliciously decadent taste, with him now. Unendlichkeit.

Breathe with me.

Breathe the pressure,
Come play my game I'll test ya.
Psychosomatic addict, insane.
Breathe the pressure,
Come play my game I'll test ya.
Psycho,-somatic addict, insane.

Come play my game.
Inhale, inhale, you're the victim.
Come play my game.
Exhale, exhale, exhale.

Breathe the pressure,
Come play my game I'll test ya.
Psychosomatic addict, insane.
Breathe the pressure,
Come play my game I'll test ya.
Psycho,-somatic addict, insane.

Come play my game.
Inhale, inhale, you're the victim.
Come play my game.
Exhale, exhale, exhale.

Breathe with me.

Breathe with me.

Breathe the pressure,
Come play my game I'll test ya.
Psychosomatic addict, insane.
Breathe the pressure,
Come play my game I'll test ya.
Psycho,-somatic addict, insane.

Come play my game.
Inhale, inhale, you're the victim.
Come play my game.
Exhale, exhale, exhale

Breathe with me.

Breathe the pressure,
Come play my game I'll test ya.
Psychosomatic addict, insane.
Breathe the pressure,
Come play my game I'll test ya.
Psycho,-somatic addict, insane.

Come play my game.
Inhale, inhale, you're the victim.
Come play my game.
Exhale, exhale, exhale
-Breathe by Prodigy

Last night was bad. Today is a new day, and I am pulling myself back together because there is a higher meaning to my life now, I HAVE to keep together. I am a father. And I can't lose it every time something comes up any more.

Today I was contacted by someone interviewing members of the tribe Jarkko and I are in for It's Pop. I spouted on for somewhere around 15 pages or more - answering his questions, and just telling him my story in general. My favorite part was talking about how Jarkko and I came to be together. And then, though I only touched on it briefly, about Erkin becoming our son.

Yes, last night was bad, but today is a new day. No matter what, I will go on, and I will be there for my son, and for my husband to be. Unendlichkeit.

I stopped in NY to reclaim my own home, to let my folks meet the love of my life, and ended up bringing so much more with me when I left. I now have a son, Erkin. He is so beautiful, and so bright, a shining little star. He already calls me Papa and Jarkko Vati. Such a sweet little one, the crowning point of the best day of our life together so far. New York is ours... Once more I can call it one of my homes... One of our homes.

I have found my Knight Errant. He fights the windmills for me so that I have naught to fear any longer.... His armor shines, even if his Helmet of gold is really only a shaving bowl. He is my knight of the woeful countenance, my Sir Dirtyboy of the Midnight Eyes... And I... oddly enough, am his Dulcinea.

Until I met him, one pair of arms was like another. No one burned with special flame. But with the lights out, he shines so beautifully. He is radiant. And.. the most miraculous thing of all, is that he loves me. Everything about me. Even when I am being irrational. Even when I am being a downright spoiled brat. He. LOVES. Me. And I love him too.

He has come charging out of the darkness to save me from the dragons of the world, to claim me as his Lady, his Princess. How could I not love the man - the only one - who can save me from myself? There is no more Aldonza left in me- though perhaps Bijou has some in her. But Bijou is his alone anyway. I made her for him, as surely as I was made for him. And the more I think of it, the more I think she is utterly and totally his. She may some time play with friends of ours as a courtesy if he wishes - but she is HIS.

My whole life has changed because of him... I barely recognize myself any more - but in a good way. I love him so much, and am so grateful for his love. It is a miracle that we found each other to begin with - and every day the miracle grows, showing a new facet of its self.

With him there is no impossible dream, as he keeps making my dreams come true. There is no foe unbeatable - when we are together. There is no unbearable sorrow as he bears them with me, lightening the load, And he is so brave, there is nowhere he would not run if he was needed. If he could, he would charge even into my past to right the wrongs there. He has loved me since the day he laid eyes on me, and that love is pure, though I cannot pretend it is chaste, however, I find chastity to be highly overrated. His arms never weary so much that they cannot wrap around and comfort me. There is no unreachable star, as he climbs to the heavens and helps me reach them, or hands me down whichever one I want. Together we follow the same star, the same quest, on the path to glory. It is never hopeless, although it seems quite far. We fight for the right - for those we care about - and take no pause in doing so, never questioning. We both have endured hell together - just to be able to finally end up in heaven with each other. We will always be true to our Quest. And our hearts lie peaceful and calm when we lay down together. The world, our world, will be better for this - that we both, scorned and covered with scars, have, with outright determination managed to reach for those stars we once thought unattainable.

I am his Dulcinea. And as for Aldonza... Well Bijou can play at being her.

I know... You are right. This is something no one can take from us. I love you so much, dirtyboy. You... are the reason I exist. Things have been tough on the outside lately. But here, just between you and I, there is nothing but tenderness. In a way I am glad there is Bijou. She takes away the need for me to treat you in ways that bother me even though you enjoy them. And she allows me to, when it is just you and I, be all the more tender, and sweet, and loving. Sometimes she frightens me, but I think that is part of what she likes - to frighten people. She is everything I am not. And it is good that I no longer have to try to be some of those things because you like them. If you can accept both of us, and love her as a part of me, even though she is part that horrifies me, then we will be together unendlichkeit. There simply would be no reason to leave. I mean - what else could be better than what we share? How can it possibly get any better than this with someone else. All I need is you. Unendlichkeit.