[ooc: see this for more reference to the subject.]

Some time before dawn he wakes once more, nuzzling close to his engel.  He finally remembers everything about Her, and what she did.  It's a loss of course, but it's also relieved him of so much, and tied up so many loose ends in his life.  He knows the answer now to that question he once craved answered so badly that he had scratched it into his own skin.  He knows why.  Or at least he knows enough of why to let the past be finally buried.

He remembers his "cousin" now.  Small and precocious, he was reminiscent of Cami when she first came to live with he and Jarkko.  A little boy with big eyes and an even bigger heart, but who he couldn't bear to be around because of all he represented.  Until his "cousin" had been born, Jason had been a name he felt belonged to him.  But She had taken even that.  It was his no longer - She had given it to the little boy who looked so much like him he was sure the world knew why.

She had been dead almost as many years now as little Jason had been alive until She grew bored with him.  He shudders, knowing if there had been more to question it, he may well have ended up the star beneath the stairs years before little jason was born.  A little voice long gone asks Am I the star beneath the stairs, am I the ghost upon the stage, am I your anything? He murmurs to the ghost who sings to him: "You... are my son.  Sorry I couldn't save you.  I needed saving myself back then, and didn't find my saviour till years later." The tiny little whisper sings back to him

And I don't want to, die tonight will you believe in me
And I don't, want to fall into the light

Will you wish upon, will you walk upon me?
I don't wanna die tonight

He sighs deep.  "I'm sorry.  She broke me too, but in different ways.  It took me twenty years to mend most of what She tore.  And I'm still working on it.  I knew I couldn't save you.  But at least I'm still here.  But you changed me.  Even through my amnesia, I felt compelled to guard, nurture and protect every child I could.  I kept wanting more and more kinder.  Now I know why.  I wanted them because I didn't have you.  Now I have you back.  I have claimed you as mine, and taken you back from Her.  You are my son.  And you have my name, Jason."

He feels small arms around him, and hears a tiny whisper of love and thanks.  He hugs back, even though he knows there's nothing corporeal about this embrace.  Then, as  he holds and rocks the son he couldn't acknowledge while he'd been alive, he feels him leave, whispering again, Thank you, Papa.  "You're welcome, son.  Godspeed."

As the first rays of sun peer over the horizon, he sighs softly and looks at his saviour, so drained from all of this that he's out cold beside him.  He cuddles close to him, pulling the blanket up around him, feeling a sudden chill though the room is not cold.  He knows that in a little over a week he will have one more child, perhaps his last.  He's still concerned about how Jsrkko may react, but he's no longer afraid.  After all they have been through together, he knows this can't stop them.  He knows that together they are invincible.  He knows that this time, in the end, they will go Home.

It keeps moving on whether we want it to or not.... Happy birthday, Ian. I remember when you were born like it was yesterday. And now you're three years old. Your older brother and sister are already teaching you how to write some, and you know your alphabet and numbers in five different languages. The world is so big and so full of opportunities for you and your brothers and sisters. Your Vati and I will do the best we can to make sure that when it's time to fly away your wings are strong and healthy and will carry you far.

*He gathers the kinder around him and tells them a bedtime story*

Once there was a little songbird who had no home and no master. He was tired and lonely, so he landed on the nearest perch he could find, which was in a rusty cage and the door was slammed shut. He tried to stay with the young man who owned the cage, but the young man didn't take very good care of him and he was very unhappy.

One day he managed to get free, and he flew away from the rusty cage. He was very hungry and thirsty because the cage he had been in was dirty and had no food or water for him. He flew and flew and finally found a bird feeder and a birdbath that seemed as though they were made just for him. The keeper of the feeder and bath was kind and gentle, and he grew to trust him.

There was a little birdhouse for him, and he was always given all the food and water he could want, and the little songbird began to like the man who always provided for him so well. He started to eat out of the man's hand and to sing beautiful songs whenever the man was near him. The man would spend hours with the little bird, stroking his soft feathers and letting him perch on his head, shoulders and hands.

The man had a beautiful, ornate silver cage, but he never expected the bird to stay in it. He left the door open and would sometimes leave wonderful little treats in there for the bird, but he would never close the door, and never tried to tame the bird.

As time went on the songbird flew away a few times, but he would only ever sing for the kind man, and he always came back to his little house. The bird found himself wanting to please the man, wanting to make him happy, so he would sing and sing and do little endearing tricks for the man to make him smile. The more he did this, the happier the man was, and the happier the man was, the more the songbird wanted to make him happier.

One day the little bird sat in the silver cage and looked around. There was always food and water in the cage, and it was always kept spotlessly clean. There were little toys for him in there: A mirror and a bell and a swing which he could perch on. All in all the cage was a lovely home.

He noticed all of this, and thinking it would please the man, he decided he would stay in the cage and belong to the man for as long as he wanted him. He wanted to be in this cage. It was cozy and warm and he was loved by the man. The man was surprised that he wanted to stay in the cage. The man still always kept the door open, but he would reach in and pet the bird, and bring him out to perch on his shoulder and sing to him.

The man kept taking such good care of the bird that he decided to make the silver cage his home. The man finally took the cage inside so the bird would be safe from other animals and bad weather, and the songbird still stayed. He would fly around the man's house, chirping happily, and would perch near the man wherever he was, singing a pretty little song whenever the man wanted him to. Every night the little bird would sleep happily in his silver cage.

The man never even tried to, but he had tamed the wild little songbird, and now the bird was his. The bird had finally found his place, his home, and the man lived happily ever after with his beautiful little songbird.

*the kids have fallen asleep and he looks up and sees Jarkko standing in the doorway, his eyes suspiciously wet, and he goes over to him, wrapping his arm around him and asks* Shall I sing for you, love? It always makes you smile when I sing for you.

And the night wasn't too bad, either.... XD

Thank you to all of my friends who wrote with birthday wishes. The sweetest birthday card I got was this one, from the kids:



And the best birthday surprise I got was my Starshine coming to see her Vati and I. I've missed her so. It was wonderful to be able to hug her again.

All in all it was probably the best birthday I've had yet. Danke, Engel, because you had so much to do with making it so.

Thank you for still believing in me. Your love keeps me alive, and there are times when it is all that keeps me here, times when your light is the only thing that reaches through the darkness to guide me back Home.

I love you so, mein Engel. You and the kinder are everything to me. Three years now, and the rest of our lives to go. Durch die Unendlichkeit.