[ooc: see this for more reference to the subject.]

Some time before dawn he wakes once more, nuzzling close to his engel.  He finally remembers everything about Her, and what she did.  It's a loss of course, but it's also relieved him of so much, and tied up so many loose ends in his life.  He knows the answer now to that question he once craved answered so badly that he had scratched it into his own skin.  He knows why.  Or at least he knows enough of why to let the past be finally buried.

He remembers his "cousin" now.  Small and precocious, he was reminiscent of Cami when she first came to live with he and Jarkko.  A little boy with big eyes and an even bigger heart, but who he couldn't bear to be around because of all he represented.  Until his "cousin" had been born, Jason had been a name he felt belonged to him.  But She had taken even that.  It was his no longer - She had given it to the little boy who looked so much like him he was sure the world knew why.

She had been dead almost as many years now as little Jason had been alive until She grew bored with him.  He shudders, knowing if there had been more to question it, he may well have ended up the star beneath the stairs years before little jason was born.  A little voice long gone asks Am I the star beneath the stairs, am I the ghost upon the stage, am I your anything? He murmurs to the ghost who sings to him: "You... are my son.  Sorry I couldn't save you.  I needed saving myself back then, and didn't find my saviour till years later." The tiny little whisper sings back to him

And I don't want to, die tonight will you believe in me
And I don't, want to fall into the light

Will you wish upon, will you walk upon me?
I don't wanna die tonight

He sighs deep.  "I'm sorry.  She broke me too, but in different ways.  It took me twenty years to mend most of what She tore.  And I'm still working on it.  I knew I couldn't save you.  But at least I'm still here.  But you changed me.  Even through my amnesia, I felt compelled to guard, nurture and protect every child I could.  I kept wanting more and more kinder.  Now I know why.  I wanted them because I didn't have you.  Now I have you back.  I have claimed you as mine, and taken you back from Her.  You are my son.  And you have my name, Jason."

He feels small arms around him, and hears a tiny whisper of love and thanks.  He hugs back, even though he knows there's nothing corporeal about this embrace.  Then, as  he holds and rocks the son he couldn't acknowledge while he'd been alive, he feels him leave, whispering again, Thank you, Papa.  "You're welcome, son.  Godspeed."

As the first rays of sun peer over the horizon, he sighs softly and looks at his saviour, so drained from all of this that he's out cold beside him.  He cuddles close to him, pulling the blanket up around him, feeling a sudden chill though the room is not cold.  He knows that in a little over a week he will have one more child, perhaps his last.  He's still concerned about how Jsrkko may react, but he's no longer afraid.  After all they have been through together, he knows this can't stop them.  He knows that together they are invincible.  He knows that this time, in the end, they will go Home.

Poor Celestina. What has she gone and done to you? Just when I thought I was over losing you, your mother takes you out of the world permanently. I can't even begin to express the horror and devastation your Vati, your brothers and sisters and I feel.

Before she murdered you, there was a scar in our family where your mother had cut you out. Now there is a void, black and desolate. She even got rid of your photos, Starshine. How could she be so cruel? You were her flesh, her seed, her own daughter.

It takes a horrid, twisted, despicable monster to do such a thing to their own child. And for what? To get some attention? To twist the knives a half-twist further, deeper into our backs? At least you will never be whored off by her. You will never be sold to the highest bidder so they can steal your innocence and soil you forever. You will remain forever pure, and now you are where even she can't sink her evil claws into you.

Rest in peace, sweet Starshine. Your Papa and Vati love you endlessly.



This Time Imperfect

I cannot leave here, I cannot stay,
Forever haunted, more than afraid,
Asphyxiate on words I would say,
I'm drawn to a blackened sky as I turn blue,

There are no flowers, no not this time,
There'll be no angels gracing the lines,
Just these stark words, I find,
I'd show a smile, but I'm too weak,
I'd share with you could I only speak,
Just how much this, hurts me,


I cannot stay here, I cannot leave,
Just like all I loved, I'm make-believe,
Imagined heart, I disappear,
Seems...no one will appear here and make me real,

There are no flowers, no, not this time,
There will be no angels gracing the lines,
Just these stark words I find,
I'd show a smile, but I'm too weak,
I'd share with you could I only speak,
Just how much this hurts me,

I'd tell you how it haunts me,
I'd tell you how it haunts me,
(cuts through my day, and sinks into my dreams)
I'd tell you that it haunts me,
(cuts through my day, and sinks into my dreams)
You don't care that it haunts me,

Oh!
There are no flowers, no, not this time,
There will be no angels gracing the lines,
Just these stark words I find,
I'd show a smile, but I'm too weak,
I'd share with you could I only speak,
Just how much this hurts me,
Just how much this hurts me,
Just how much you...
-AFI


Morningstar

I saw a star beneath the stairs
Glowing through the melting walls
Who will be the first to begin their fall?
Or will we become one?

Am I the star beneath the stairs?
Am I the ghost upon the stage?
Am I your anything?

I saw a star beneath the stairs
Glowing bright before descent
And in the morning there is nothing left but what's inside of me.

Am I the star beneath the stairs?
Am I the ghost upon the stage?
Am I your anything?
Am I the star beneath the stairs?
Am I the ghost upon the stage?
Am I your anything?

And I don't want to die tonight, will you believe me?
And I don't want to fall into the light
Will you wish upon?
Will you walk upon me?
I don't wanna die tonight

Will you believe in me tonight?
Am I the star beneath the stairs?
Am I the ghost upon the stage?
Am I your anything?
Am I the star beneath the stairs?
Am I the ghost upon the stage?
Am I your anything?
-AFI

Looking back, these past four years, I've screwed up so many times. Looking back, it makes me cry, to know how much the things I've done have tormented you. Those times, the times of huge mistakes... are gone by. I promise you. I'm still the man you fell in love with four years ago, yet still I've changed. I've learned. I've grown.

I swear - no more foolishness. I swear - no more huge mistakes. The little ones happen whether we want them or not sometimes, but the huge ones, those can usually be avoided. I swear - I will avoid them at all costs. I never want to hurt you like that again. I could never live with myself if I did. I am yours. All yours. And I am so thankful to be yours.

I need you - more than food, more than water, more than air even. You are my life. You are why I am here. You keep me safe and whole, and when I'm too weak to stand you hold me up, and when I'm too weak to walk you carry me. But I vow to do the same for you. You may be my keeper, but doesn't a keeper need his ward as much as the ward needs a guardian? You are my everything.

Everything good in my life I can trace back to you. Even the things from before, you helped me re-discover, you unlocked the good things I had buried away. Looking back, I have put you through hell. But every time we grew through it, every time we moved on and were stronger, closer, better than ever before. This is a new era of our life together. An era of peace and prosperity. I promise - no more huge mistakes. No more knives in your back. No more hurting you. I swear. We have found our way back to love and only love.

*He gathers the kinder around him and tells them a bedtime story*

Once there was a little songbird who had no home and no master. He was tired and lonely, so he landed on the nearest perch he could find, which was in a rusty cage and the door was slammed shut. He tried to stay with the young man who owned the cage, but the young man didn't take very good care of him and he was very unhappy.

One day he managed to get free, and he flew away from the rusty cage. He was very hungry and thirsty because the cage he had been in was dirty and had no food or water for him. He flew and flew and finally found a bird feeder and a birdbath that seemed as though they were made just for him. The keeper of the feeder and bath was kind and gentle, and he grew to trust him.

There was a little birdhouse for him, and he was always given all the food and water he could want, and the little songbird began to like the man who always provided for him so well. He started to eat out of the man's hand and to sing beautiful songs whenever the man was near him. The man would spend hours with the little bird, stroking his soft feathers and letting him perch on his head, shoulders and hands.

The man had a beautiful, ornate silver cage, but he never expected the bird to stay in it. He left the door open and would sometimes leave wonderful little treats in there for the bird, but he would never close the door, and never tried to tame the bird.

As time went on the songbird flew away a few times, but he would only ever sing for the kind man, and he always came back to his little house. The bird found himself wanting to please the man, wanting to make him happy, so he would sing and sing and do little endearing tricks for the man to make him smile. The more he did this, the happier the man was, and the happier the man was, the more the songbird wanted to make him happier.

One day the little bird sat in the silver cage and looked around. There was always food and water in the cage, and it was always kept spotlessly clean. There were little toys for him in there: A mirror and a bell and a swing which he could perch on. All in all the cage was a lovely home.

He noticed all of this, and thinking it would please the man, he decided he would stay in the cage and belong to the man for as long as he wanted him. He wanted to be in this cage. It was cozy and warm and he was loved by the man. The man was surprised that he wanted to stay in the cage. The man still always kept the door open, but he would reach in and pet the bird, and bring him out to perch on his shoulder and sing to him.

The man kept taking such good care of the bird that he decided to make the silver cage his home. The man finally took the cage inside so the bird would be safe from other animals and bad weather, and the songbird still stayed. He would fly around the man's house, chirping happily, and would perch near the man wherever he was, singing a pretty little song whenever the man wanted him to. Every night the little bird would sleep happily in his silver cage.

The man never even tried to, but he had tamed the wild little songbird, and now the bird was his. The bird had finally found his place, his home, and the man lived happily ever after with his beautiful little songbird.

*the kids have fallen asleep and he looks up and sees Jarkko standing in the doorway, his eyes suspiciously wet, and he goes over to him, wrapping his arm around him and asks* Shall I sing for you, love? It always makes you smile when I sing for you.

Nightmares. Every night the nightmares come, whether he remembers them or not. This night he thrashes against the bed, his head shaking a violent "no" against the pillow, and wakes screaming again, as he does in the middle of every night. He clings to Jarkko, crying, trying to get rid of the image in his head. All of the nightmares are about Her and the things she did to him. This night, he remembered more, as he does each day and night, but usually the nightmares he forgets. This one he remembers.

--------------

As always, She does things to him that are wrong, wrong for anyone to do to another person, especially without their consent, but even more wrong when done by one family member to another, by an aunt to the nephew who she has been trusted to care for.

He is about 13. His voice has just barely started changing - still not settled into what it will be as an adult. His parents bring him, as they do every weekend, to her for "Therapy" since he is having problems in school and relating to other kids his age. Once they leave and their car is out of sight, she pulls the blinds and makes him lay down on the bed. He goes numb. He has learned it's best to do what she asks of him, but he also knows that if he detaches himself from it all it doesn't hurt as bad.

This time, she does something she rarely has done before. He doesn't realize, but this is going to become frequently required of him from now on. She undresses him, then herself, and starts fondling him. He knows better than to try to resist getting hard, so he just tunes out, mentally, and his body does what any healthy male body would when being fondled and stroked. Once he is erect, she straddles him, pushing against him till he's inside her, and starts moving on top of him. He stays numb, just letting his body react, but not feeling anything in the safe place he's made for his mind to go when she does these things. Before long, he ejaculates, and she seems pleased, but this time instead of pulling away from him and laying down next to him and holding him, she keeps riding him. It hurts, as the nerves are not accustomed to continued stimulation after he's climaxed. His mind retreats further inward, sealing off from the hurt. He doesn't lose his erection - she doesn't let him. Once the pain of overstimulation lets up he is back to being numb, and lets his body react again.

This time after he ejaculates, she climbs off of him, and cuddles up to him as he lies, pale, ragdoll limp and not moving, almost frigid beside her. She smiles at him, wrapping her arms around him. He makes himself stay and not recoil like he wishes he could. "Today," she says, "Is a very special day, JJ." He swallows hard when she calls him that. He hates when anyone calls him that any more because it is what she calls him. "Today," she continues, "I am ovulating. Do you know what that means?" He numbly nods his head. He learned all about this in Health class. He thinks about what this means and his stomach knots up. He runs to the bathroom and vomits.

A few weeks later he is there again, and she has just made him perform oral sex on her. "JJ, I'm late for my period. Do you know what that means?" He blinks slowly and swallows hard. He knows what it means. She takes out a pregnancy test. "I'm going to see now if we've made a baby together. Won't that be wonderful if we have a baby?" He doesn't respond. She disappears into the bathroom and comes back out with the stick. "It says wait five minutes... so here we go. She starts fondling him while she waits. He wants to disappear, but can't. After a few minutes, there are two blue lines on the test. "Oh, JJ! You're going to be a daddy!" He curls up into a little ball and tries to fade out of existance.

About six weeks later, he is there again. She is furious this time, screaming, yelling, hitting him. He doesn't flinch. He just lays there, letting her rage against him. She screams, "This is all your fault! You didn't want this baby and now I've lost it! It's your fault! I HATE YOU! You useless slime! You're not even a real man. You can't make love, you can't make a baby! Everything you touch turns to shit! You're WORTHLESS." He just lays there. He doesn't even flinch.

--------------

Jay remembers all this, holding his husband in the night and crying. Jarkko, as always, comforts him, sharing his nightmares like he does all the dreams he's helped Jay make reality. As he remembers, his stomach gets sicker and sicker. Finally he dashes to the bathroom, retching so hard there's blood mixed in with the bile. After his stomach stops heaving, he takes a small glass of water and rinses his mouth out. He then takes a few sips of the water to help ease the burning in his throat, pouring the rest down the drain.

He shuffles back to the bedroom, head down, eyes sunken and hollow, and nuzzles into Jarkko. He hopes that perhaps sleep will ward off this memory, but he has a feeling this one will stay. And when he wakes up in the morning, this one he remembers.

Tonight, as we made love, our newborn sleeping in the nursery in our home in Paris, a song played, one that so perfectly fits us that I have to record this, I have to make special note, that tonight, as we made love, the following played:

12 Gatsu No Love Song (December Love Song) by Gackt

Before you know it, the flurry of December begins to flow into the heart of this city
As small hands hold each other, we call out to the people who mean the most to us

Wrapped up in the tenderness of lovers, even this city will be visited by an early winter

Because you mean so much to me, don’t ever change, and keep on smiling
Because I love you so, I’ll keep on holding on to you, only you….

As I gaze into the show window, I pass by so many couples holding each other’s shoulders
As I wait for you, I try to place these thoughts into every white breath that leaves my lips…

I look up to the sky, and powdered snow is dancing down,
Idly, the distance between two people secretly begins to close….

In the quiet night, I whispered those words once again into your ear


I’ll hold you forever, I’ll hold you forever


Only you….

Bathed in and emanating comforting blue light, I drifted off to sleep, still feeling you within..... Ich liebe dich durch die unendclichkiet... T∞&B

Dive to Blue by L'Arc en Ciel
"You should start flapping soon"
Someone whispered
"Start from the line below your knee
Let's fly"

Freedom comes from your own back
"These chains have been
Tying you up since the very start
Haven't they?"

In my heart, in my heart, the sky seems to fit
I'd love to sink myself into those azure depths

Aim for the neverending night sky
Let's search for a new world
Even wavering with uncertainty
Won't make these newfound wings vanish

Sometimes there is no correct answer
God only knows what twists lie in the path ahead
Accelerate up to an unstopable speed
Remember this connection even at the peak of loneliness

Everything ma have been corrupted but
You alone don't need to grow up

Let that nostalgic light guide you
And gently hold out a waving hand
The unseen future may hold partings
But we can paint it with broken illusions

Take your foretold destiny
And toss it away into the sky

Even now, Even now, I remember
The way the morning shone on those distant days

Aim for the neverending night sky
Let's search for a new world
Even wavering with uncertainity
Won't make these new wings vanish

Let that nostalgic light guide you
And gently hold out a waving hand
The unseen future may hold partings
But we can paint it with broken illusions

Take your foretold destiny
And toss it away into the sky

My mother was a girl scout... Big surprise there, huh? Well she used to sing me some of the girl scout songs when I was little. One of them has stuck and lately it seems to be ringing so true to me. It goes "Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other's gold." Really simple. But it's so true.

I have several "Gold" friends. Jamie and Lee, Luana, Mitch, Matthijs, several others I can't remember right now because I haven't slept yet lol. I don't even count Jarkko as gold - he is Platinum... Perhaps Diamond. Yes I suppose he is my diamond in the rough. And my dear sister Pasca is platinum.

But the more we travel and the more we go on, the more friends we gather. I seem to have struck a vein rich with silver lately. So many new friends, and I am at a loss where to even start. Elisa and Jeff and Oriane, Kali, Vera, Kevin and Feng, and I couldn't possibly forget about Alice. Such wonderful new friends. I am so lucky to have them all, and all of the many many others I haven't mentioned here.

Most of all though, I am so lucky to have found my diamond, my Jarkko. He is by far the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I am so fortunate to have a wonderful man to love me, just as I love him. I feel like the luckiest man alive.

After seeing his wounded mouth after the waking nightmare the other night, the only thing I could think of to help lessen his pain was cloves, and the easiest way I could think to deliver that medicine was through some Kretek cigarettes. We found a tobacconist, and I purchased some, for him, for us. And now we both taste and smell of cloves. The sweet-bitter, rich, exotic, heady taste and aroma of Kreteks... Forever, I will associate that glorious intoxicating smell, that deliciously decadent taste, with him now. Unendlichkeit.

Breathe with me.

Breathe the pressure,
Come play my game I'll test ya.
Psychosomatic addict, insane.
Breathe the pressure,
Come play my game I'll test ya.
Psycho,-somatic addict, insane.

Come play my game.
Inhale, inhale, you're the victim.
Come play my game.
Exhale, exhale, exhale.

Breathe the pressure,
Come play my game I'll test ya.
Psychosomatic addict, insane.
Breathe the pressure,
Come play my game I'll test ya.
Psycho,-somatic addict, insane.

Come play my game.
Inhale, inhale, you're the victim.
Come play my game.
Exhale, exhale, exhale.

Breathe with me.

Breathe with me.

Breathe the pressure,
Come play my game I'll test ya.
Psychosomatic addict, insane.
Breathe the pressure,
Come play my game I'll test ya.
Psycho,-somatic addict, insane.

Come play my game.
Inhale, inhale, you're the victim.
Come play my game.
Exhale, exhale, exhale

Breathe with me.

Breathe the pressure,
Come play my game I'll test ya.
Psychosomatic addict, insane.
Breathe the pressure,
Come play my game I'll test ya.
Psycho,-somatic addict, insane.

Come play my game.
Inhale, inhale, you're the victim.
Come play my game.
Exhale, exhale, exhale
-Breathe by Prodigy

Last night was bad. Today is a new day, and I am pulling myself back together because there is a higher meaning to my life now, I HAVE to keep together. I am a father. And I can't lose it every time something comes up any more.

Today I was contacted by someone interviewing members of the tribe Jarkko and I are in for It's Pop. I spouted on for somewhere around 15 pages or more - answering his questions, and just telling him my story in general. My favorite part was talking about how Jarkko and I came to be together. And then, though I only touched on it briefly, about Erkin becoming our son.

Yes, last night was bad, but today is a new day. No matter what, I will go on, and I will be there for my son, and for my husband to be. Unendlichkeit.

Curled up against Jarkko, deathly pale, a nightmare wakes me. I dreamt I had freaked out in the middle of a jam session because of Sazi, and had ended up cutting "WHY?" into my arm and attacking my own reflection in a mirror, I dreamt that Jarkko took each shard of mirror from my body with his teeth. I dreamt that Jarkko yelled to Dan to take Sazi and the baby out of the studio as I ran out of the restroom and ended up face down on the floor, retching blood. And then I open my eyes. I see Jarkko is almost as pale as I am... I see tiny cuts around his mouth from pulling mirror shards from me. I first feel the pain on my arm, them see the word carved there... And in the night, realizing the nightmare was real, I cry out what my arm asks the sky; "WHY?" Jarkko simply wraps himself around me, pulling the blankets up, and lets me cry on his chest. The most disturbing part of this nightmare come true is the answer the night speaks in my ear. "I don't know. Nobody knows."

I wake for a moment, on the van, somewhere between NY and London. Jarkko is asleep, curled up on the seat next to me. I check on Erki. He is also asleep but needs a change. I gently wake him and change his diaper, and he smiles at me when I tickle his soft little belly. I pick him up and hold him for a bit, just kissing and cuddling with him. He is so sleepy he clings to me and falls right back asleep. I kiss his little forehead and put him back in the child carrier, making sure he is firmly buckled in. I sit for a moment, cuddled up to my Jarkko, Erkki still clutching my finger in his little hand. I feel as though this is all I have ever hoped for, all I have ever dreamed of, and my Jarkko is the one who has helped me achieve it all. I love him so much. He and Erki are everything to me. I slowly fade back into dreamland, still feeling Erkin's little hand on mine, my other arm wrapped snugly around Jarkko. My two favorite guys in existence. Right now, this moment, my life is complete. I have all I could ever have hoped for, and in about a month I will have even more. I love my guys so much. They are my life. I wouldn't trade them for the world.

I stopped in NY to reclaim my own home, to let my folks meet the love of my life, and ended up bringing so much more with me when I left. I now have a son, Erkin. He is so beautiful, and so bright, a shining little star. He already calls me Papa and Jarkko Vati. Such a sweet little one, the crowning point of the best day of our life together so far. New York is ours... Once more I can call it one of my homes... One of our homes.

I have found my Knight Errant. He fights the windmills for me so that I have naught to fear any longer.... His armor shines, even if his Helmet of gold is really only a shaving bowl. He is my knight of the woeful countenance, my Sir Dirtyboy of the Midnight Eyes... And I... oddly enough, am his Dulcinea.

Until I met him, one pair of arms was like another. No one burned with special flame. But with the lights out, he shines so beautifully. He is radiant. And.. the most miraculous thing of all, is that he loves me. Everything about me. Even when I am being irrational. Even when I am being a downright spoiled brat. He. LOVES. Me. And I love him too.

He has come charging out of the darkness to save me from the dragons of the world, to claim me as his Lady, his Princess. How could I not love the man - the only one - who can save me from myself? There is no more Aldonza left in me- though perhaps Bijou has some in her. But Bijou is his alone anyway. I made her for him, as surely as I was made for him. And the more I think of it, the more I think she is utterly and totally his. She may some time play with friends of ours as a courtesy if he wishes - but she is HIS.

My whole life has changed because of him... I barely recognize myself any more - but in a good way. I love him so much, and am so grateful for his love. It is a miracle that we found each other to begin with - and every day the miracle grows, showing a new facet of its self.

With him there is no impossible dream, as he keeps making my dreams come true. There is no foe unbeatable - when we are together. There is no unbearable sorrow as he bears them with me, lightening the load, And he is so brave, there is nowhere he would not run if he was needed. If he could, he would charge even into my past to right the wrongs there. He has loved me since the day he laid eyes on me, and that love is pure, though I cannot pretend it is chaste, however, I find chastity to be highly overrated. His arms never weary so much that they cannot wrap around and comfort me. There is no unreachable star, as he climbs to the heavens and helps me reach them, or hands me down whichever one I want. Together we follow the same star, the same quest, on the path to glory. It is never hopeless, although it seems quite far. We fight for the right - for those we care about - and take no pause in doing so, never questioning. We both have endured hell together - just to be able to finally end up in heaven with each other. We will always be true to our Quest. And our hearts lie peaceful and calm when we lay down together. The world, our world, will be better for this - that we both, scorned and covered with scars, have, with outright determination managed to reach for those stars we once thought unattainable.

I am his Dulcinea. And as for Aldonza... Well Bijou can play at being her.

Was not the best one. It was great running into Dan again and I hope that he, Jarkko and I can continue the friendship that has started to grow there. Last year was a year of big changes - and loss.

This new year will also hold some big changes, but renewing onces, ones where I get to choose what changes when I change my name. In a way I feel many of the changes have already taken place - but I know that for some of them to come to be it will take time, and for others, a lot of hard effort. But these changes are worth the wait and the effort.

I never thought I would hear myself say it was worth waiting for anything - always wanted instant gratification. My friends and teachers in school dubbed me Mr Impatience for that. I will no longer be that - I won't even be Mr Patience any more come February 14. I am leaving that part of me behind, taking Jarkko's name, and making a new life with him. Soon, Jason Patience will be no more. I will be Jason Sohkanen, and Jarkko and I will continue to put the twin in twin flames, as well as the flame lol.

The only (or one of the few) good things 2007 brought me was Jarkko. He has become my strength, my rock, my shelter, my other half, my partner in crime. We complete each other - and then some. I can't wait till February, till we will be officially married in the eyes of the law, even though I am his and he is mine, thoroughly and completely, with or without a fancy paper to say so.

So goodbye '07 - I won't miss most of that year. And welcome '08 - a year already brimming with fantastic possibilities.

I understand that there are times when we all... go Quiet. There always will be times when those who give us voice are busy with their own lives and not able to help us speak. I used to feel as though the only time we were truly together was when we could talk to each other. But something has changed, and now I realize that even if he is Quiet, he is still with me always. I know that no matter how silent he seems, he is with me everywhere just the same. I feel his hand in mine, and his love in my soul always now. I always feel our Oneness, and it puts my heart at ease.

I am self-conscious about some things with him. I take every chance available to make love to him, to show him just how much I always want him, and to give him as much pleasure as possible. I watch his reactions so closely too. Too closely perhaps. I just want to make sure he gets at least as well as he gives. When he does, it makes me more pleased, to know that I pleased him so well, to know that I gave as well as, or better than I got. When he doesn't, I feel almost inadequate. I feel selfish because I took more than I gave, even though it all seems to balance eventually. I wish every time for him was God-Smackingly Glorious. Even if it was only Nice for me. Even if it never got better than Nice for me. He deserves GSG. And I will train in and work at and learn everything needed to give him that. It may take a while, but it is definitely worth it, because he deserves GSG. Period.

I had been afraid that returning to LA, especially so soon, might have thrown me, depressed me, made the recent hurt of what I had needed to sever come flooding back even worse. But he soothes me. Even if he is Quiet, just having him by my side constantly soothes me. There were a couple of slightly rough moments, but nothing as bad as I had feared, especially since I finally took the last step and removed the final chains which bound me to the one I had to sever. Especially since now we even have our band together. I am still learning, which of us should do what when we are performing. And I realize that he would rather step back and let me take the spotlight. But that wouldn't be much of a partnership. And it makes me so happy, so proud to see him Shine. My heart will sing for him always. Unendlichkeit.

No matter what, I am only ever at peace when I am with you. There are no cages, no fences, no chains with you. Only a lovely home you have offered my heart, a home so perfect it never wants to leave. I cherish and adore you, and every day you prove to me in yet another way, just how much you love me, and it echoes in my heart in the love I have for you. You have built me a birdhouse in your soul, and this BlueJay will always call it home.

Birdhouse in Your Soul
by They Might Be Giants

I'm your only friend
I'm not your only friend
But I'm a little glowing friend
But really I'm not actually your friend
But I am

Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch
Who watches over you
Make a little birdhouse in your soul
Not to put too fine a point on it
Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet
Make a little birdhouse in your soul

I have a secret to tell
From my electrical well
It's a simple message and I'm leaving out the whistles and bells
So the room must listen to me
Filibuster vigilantly
My name is blue canary one note* spelled l-i-t-e
My story's infinite
Like the Longines Symphonette it doesn't rest

Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch
Who watches over you
Make a little birdhouse in your soul
Not to put too fine a point on it
Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet
Make a little birdhouse in your soul

I'm your only friend
I'm not your only friend
But I'm a little glowing friend
But really I'm not actually your friend
But I am

There's a picture opposite me
Of my primitive ancestry
Which stood on rocky shores and kept the beaches shipwreck free
Though I respect that a lot
I'd be fired if that were my job
After killing Jason off and countless screaming Argonauts
Bluebird of friendliness
Like guardian angels its always near

Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch
Who watches over you
Make a little birdhouse in your soul
Not to put too fine a point on it
Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet
Make a little birdhouse in your soul

(and while you're at it
Keep the nightlight on inside the
Birdhouse in your soul)

Not to put too fine a point on it
Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet
Make a little birdhouse in your soul

Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch (and while you're at it)
Who watches over you (keep the nightlight on inside the)
Make a little birdhouse in your soul (birdhouse in your soul)

Not to put too fine a point on it
Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet
Make a little birdhouse in your soul

Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch (and while you're at it)
Who watches over you (keep the nightlight on inside the)
Make a little birdhouse in your soul (birdhouse in your soul)

Not to put too fine a point on it
Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet
Make a little birdhouse in your soul

This is our self revolution baby... Love you unendlichkeit.



Jibun Kakumei -2003- (Self Revolution 2003)
words & music : miyavi

(Who are you?)

disappoint... resignation... anxious... alienation... desperate... isolation... envious

season's greetings amigo Don't be too tense. Let's take it easy.
"Re-la-pa-pa-re-lax lady"
Do not worry Relax your shoulders, see?

You're freezing aren't you? You're shaking aren't you?

Mirror mirror on the wall, Please answer me "Yes, what is it?" -What's matter?-
What should I do to make me not myself? "That's simple."
-It's so easy-

How's it going buddy, Take that sour look off your face, it's unhealthy for you.
"Re-la-pa-pa-re-lax lady"
Take it easy Take a deep breath, see?

You're suffering aren't you? You're struggling aren't you?

Mirror mirror on the wall, Please tell me "What's up?" -What's matter?-
What should I do to make me more like myself? "That's simple."
-It's so easy-

"I envy dream..."

Ah-hah, You're scared aren't you? You're backing down aren't you?
Instead of mumbling it, why don't you say it loud and clear?

"I want to be to me free to me"

"That's them, this is us."
That's what mommy used to say, when you can't even see the neighbor's lawn.

Mirror mirror on the wall, Please disappear "Oh now why would you say that?" -What's matter?-
I am me, you are you, isn't it so? "That's simple."
-It's so easy-

I never want another dance with anyone but you - and with you there is always so much more to it than just dancing. We are one. Unendlichkeit.


I'm never gonna dance again,
Guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Though it's easy to pretend,
I know you're not a fool.

I should have known better than to cheat a friend,
And waste the chance that I'd been given.
So I'm never gonna dance again,
The way I [dance] with you.

-George Michael

I can feel you, where the void used to be, and even though for some unknown reason we have been put to the test, I take solace and comfort in the fact that you are in my heart always, waiting with open arms.

Run
by Snow Patrol

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In a lifetime

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Only for sure

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear, my voice
I'll be right beside you, dear

Louder, Louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak or understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear, my voice
I'll be right beside you, dear

Louder, louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak or understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

Slower, slower
We don't have time for that
All I want's to find an easier way
To get out of our little hate

Have heart, my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just a few days
Making up for all this mess...

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear, my voice
I'll be right beside you, dear