[ooc: see this for more reference to the subject.]

Some time before dawn he wakes once more, nuzzling close to his engel.  He finally remembers everything about Her, and what she did.  It's a loss of course, but it's also relieved him of so much, and tied up so many loose ends in his life.  He knows the answer now to that question he once craved answered so badly that he had scratched it into his own skin.  He knows why.  Or at least he knows enough of why to let the past be finally buried.

He remembers his "cousin" now.  Small and precocious, he was reminiscent of Cami when she first came to live with he and Jarkko.  A little boy with big eyes and an even bigger heart, but who he couldn't bear to be around because of all he represented.  Until his "cousin" had been born, Jason had been a name he felt belonged to him.  But She had taken even that.  It was his no longer - She had given it to the little boy who looked so much like him he was sure the world knew why.

She had been dead almost as many years now as little Jason had been alive until She grew bored with him.  He shudders, knowing if there had been more to question it, he may well have ended up the star beneath the stairs years before little jason was born.  A little voice long gone asks Am I the star beneath the stairs, am I the ghost upon the stage, am I your anything? He murmurs to the ghost who sings to him: "You... are my son.  Sorry I couldn't save you.  I needed saving myself back then, and didn't find my saviour till years later." The tiny little whisper sings back to him

And I don't want to, die tonight will you believe in me
And I don't, want to fall into the light

Will you wish upon, will you walk upon me?
I don't wanna die tonight

He sighs deep.  "I'm sorry.  She broke me too, but in different ways.  It took me twenty years to mend most of what She tore.  And I'm still working on it.  I knew I couldn't save you.  But at least I'm still here.  But you changed me.  Even through my amnesia, I felt compelled to guard, nurture and protect every child I could.  I kept wanting more and more kinder.  Now I know why.  I wanted them because I didn't have you.  Now I have you back.  I have claimed you as mine, and taken you back from Her.  You are my son.  And you have my name, Jason."

He feels small arms around him, and hears a tiny whisper of love and thanks.  He hugs back, even though he knows there's nothing corporeal about this embrace.  Then, as  he holds and rocks the son he couldn't acknowledge while he'd been alive, he feels him leave, whispering again, Thank you, Papa.  "You're welcome, son.  Godspeed."

As the first rays of sun peer over the horizon, he sighs softly and looks at his saviour, so drained from all of this that he's out cold beside him.  He cuddles close to him, pulling the blanket up around him, feeling a sudden chill though the room is not cold.  He knows that in a little over a week he will have one more child, perhaps his last.  He's still concerned about how Jsrkko may react, but he's no longer afraid.  After all they have been through together, he knows this can't stop them.  He knows that together they are invincible.  He knows that this time, in the end, they will go Home.

Poor Celestina. What has she gone and done to you? Just when I thought I was over losing you, your mother takes you out of the world permanently. I can't even begin to express the horror and devastation your Vati, your brothers and sisters and I feel.

Before she murdered you, there was a scar in our family where your mother had cut you out. Now there is a void, black and desolate. She even got rid of your photos, Starshine. How could she be so cruel? You were her flesh, her seed, her own daughter.

It takes a horrid, twisted, despicable monster to do such a thing to their own child. And for what? To get some attention? To twist the knives a half-twist further, deeper into our backs? At least you will never be whored off by her. You will never be sold to the highest bidder so they can steal your innocence and soil you forever. You will remain forever pure, and now you are where even she can't sink her evil claws into you.

Rest in peace, sweet Starshine. Your Papa and Vati love you endlessly.



This Time Imperfect

I cannot leave here, I cannot stay,
Forever haunted, more than afraid,
Asphyxiate on words I would say,
I'm drawn to a blackened sky as I turn blue,

There are no flowers, no not this time,
There'll be no angels gracing the lines,
Just these stark words, I find,
I'd show a smile, but I'm too weak,
I'd share with you could I only speak,
Just how much this, hurts me,


I cannot stay here, I cannot leave,
Just like all I loved, I'm make-believe,
Imagined heart, I disappear,
Seems...no one will appear here and make me real,

There are no flowers, no, not this time,
There will be no angels gracing the lines,
Just these stark words I find,
I'd show a smile, but I'm too weak,
I'd share with you could I only speak,
Just how much this hurts me,

I'd tell you how it haunts me,
I'd tell you how it haunts me,
(cuts through my day, and sinks into my dreams)
I'd tell you that it haunts me,
(cuts through my day, and sinks into my dreams)
You don't care that it haunts me,

Oh!
There are no flowers, no, not this time,
There will be no angels gracing the lines,
Just these stark words I find,
I'd show a smile, but I'm too weak,
I'd share with you could I only speak,
Just how much this hurts me,
Just how much this hurts me,
Just how much you...
-AFI


Morningstar

I saw a star beneath the stairs
Glowing through the melting walls
Who will be the first to begin their fall?
Or will we become one?

Am I the star beneath the stairs?
Am I the ghost upon the stage?
Am I your anything?

I saw a star beneath the stairs
Glowing bright before descent
And in the morning there is nothing left but what's inside of me.

Am I the star beneath the stairs?
Am I the ghost upon the stage?
Am I your anything?
Am I the star beneath the stairs?
Am I the ghost upon the stage?
Am I your anything?

And I don't want to die tonight, will you believe me?
And I don't want to fall into the light
Will you wish upon?
Will you walk upon me?
I don't wanna die tonight

Will you believe in me tonight?
Am I the star beneath the stairs?
Am I the ghost upon the stage?
Am I your anything?
Am I the star beneath the stairs?
Am I the ghost upon the stage?
Am I your anything?
-AFI

It keeps moving on whether we want it to or not.... Happy birthday, Ian. I remember when you were born like it was yesterday. And now you're three years old. Your older brother and sister are already teaching you how to write some, and you know your alphabet and numbers in five different languages. The world is so big and so full of opportunities for you and your brothers and sisters. Your Vati and I will do the best we can to make sure that when it's time to fly away your wings are strong and healthy and will carry you far.

Spent a little time thinking about death last night. It's part of the deal I guess... You live, you make the most you can of your life, and then you die. Some day Jarkko and I will be gone, leaving our children and our music as our legacy. The only mercy in it all is that I'll have my wonderful, loving, other half with me eternally. And death shall have no dominion.

I think I've earned my wings now... Time to fly.


Learn to Fly by The Foo Fighters

Run and tell all of the angels
This could take all night
Think I need a devil to help me get things right
Hook me up a new revolution
Cause this one is a lie
We sat around laughing and watched the last one die

And I'm looking to the sky to save me
Looking for a sign of life
Looking for something to help me burn out bright

I'm looking for a complication
Looking cause I'm tired of lying
Make my way back home when I learn to fly high

I think I'm done nursing the patience
It couldn’t wait one night
I'd give it all away if you give me one last try
We'll live happily ever trapped if you just save my life
Run and tell the angels that everything's alright...

I'm looking to the sky to save me
Looking for a sign of life
Looking for something to help me burn out bright

I'm looking for a complication
Looking cause I'm tired of trying
Make my way back home when I learn to fly high
Make my way back home when I learn to

Fly along with me, I can't quite make it alone
Try to make this life my own

Fly along with me, I can't quite make it alone
Try to make this life my own

I'm looking to the sky to save me
Looking for a sign of life (sign of life)
Looking for something to help me burn out bright

I'm looking for a complication
Looking cause I'm tired of trying (tired of trying)
Make my way back home when I learn to

I'm looking to the sky to save me
Looking for a sign of life (sign of life)
Looking for something to help me burn out bright

I'm looking for a complication
Looking cause I'm tired of trying
Make my way back home when I learn to fly high
Make my way back home when I learn to fly
Make my way back home when I learn to… (Learn to, learn to, learn to, learn to…)

Tonight, as we made love, our newborn sleeping in the nursery in our home in Paris, a song played, one that so perfectly fits us that I have to record this, I have to make special note, that tonight, as we made love, the following played:

12 Gatsu No Love Song (December Love Song) by Gackt

Before you know it, the flurry of December begins to flow into the heart of this city
As small hands hold each other, we call out to the people who mean the most to us

Wrapped up in the tenderness of lovers, even this city will be visited by an early winter

Because you mean so much to me, don’t ever change, and keep on smiling
Because I love you so, I’ll keep on holding on to you, only you….

As I gaze into the show window, I pass by so many couples holding each other’s shoulders
As I wait for you, I try to place these thoughts into every white breath that leaves my lips…

I look up to the sky, and powdered snow is dancing down,
Idly, the distance between two people secretly begins to close….

In the quiet night, I whispered those words once again into your ear


I’ll hold you forever, I’ll hold you forever


Only you….

Welcome to the world, Patience Ari Sohkanen. Your Vati and Papa love you more than you could ever know.
http://www.popomundo.com/Common/CharacterDetails.asp?action=view&CharacterID=742897

So a crowd he gathered round us
I'm pining one last kiss
I'm struggling with this lifeline
In the shadow of this bliss
Patience my love Patience my love it'll all be alright
-These Living Arms by The Tea Party

Let me shelter you, love. Let me be your comfort. You have been so much for me. I want to comfort you. I want to be there for you the way you always are for me. I love you more than anything. As you have said Allways, all ways.


Fortress Around Your Heart by Sting

Under the ruins of a walled city
Crumbling towers and beams of yellow light
No flags of truce, no cries of pity
The siege guns had been pounding all through the night
It took a day to build the city
We walked through its streets in the afternoon
As I returned across the field's I'd known
I recognized the walls that I once made
I had to stop in my tracks for fear
Of walking on the mines I'd laid

And if I built this fortress around your heart
Encircled you in trenches and barbed wire
Then let me build a bridge
For I cannot fill the chasm
And let me set the battlements on fire

Then I went off to fight some battle
That I'd invented inside my head
Away so long for years and years
You probably thought or even wished that I was dead
While the armies are all sleeping
Beneath the tattered flag we'd made
I had to stop in my track for fear
Of walking on the mines I'd laid

And if I built this fortress around your heart
Encircled you in trenches and barbed wire
Then let me build a bridge
For I cannot fill the chasm
And let me set the battlements on fire

This prison has now become your home
A sentence you seem prepared to pay
It took a day to build the city
We walked through its streets in the afternoon
As I returned across the fields where I'd once played
I had to stop in my tracks for fear
Of walking on the mines I'd laid

And if I built this fortress around your heart
Encircled you in trenches and barbed wire
Then let me build a bridge
For I cannot fill the chasm
And let me set the battlements on fire

My mother was a girl scout... Big surprise there, huh? Well she used to sing me some of the girl scout songs when I was little. One of them has stuck and lately it seems to be ringing so true to me. It goes "Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other's gold." Really simple. But it's so true.

I have several "Gold" friends. Jamie and Lee, Luana, Mitch, Matthijs, several others I can't remember right now because I haven't slept yet lol. I don't even count Jarkko as gold - he is Platinum... Perhaps Diamond. Yes I suppose he is my diamond in the rough. And my dear sister Pasca is platinum.

But the more we travel and the more we go on, the more friends we gather. I seem to have struck a vein rich with silver lately. So many new friends, and I am at a loss where to even start. Elisa and Jeff and Oriane, Kali, Vera, Kevin and Feng, and I couldn't possibly forget about Alice. Such wonderful new friends. I am so lucky to have them all, and all of the many many others I haven't mentioned here.

Most of all though, I am so lucky to have found my diamond, my Jarkko. He is by far the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I am so fortunate to have a wonderful man to love me, just as I love him. I feel like the luckiest man alive.

Maybe I wasn't clear enough on what she needed to do to join us in our bus. But I will not take blame any more. Not from her. There is no reason under the sun that she could not have followed afterward, even when she missed the bus. I begin to think, that if the maybeone IS mine, and if she does what she said she would, I am not so sure I would be as upset any more. We let her into our family, our band, our life. She repaid that gift with nonchalance. Her silence speaks volumes - it is deafening. So we left without her. And if the maybeone is mine. If she leaves without us. I may not be able to be sorry.

"This is the last time, I'm leaving without you
In Silence." - Bitter For Sweet by Blaqk Audio

Last night was bad. Today is a new day, and I am pulling myself back together because there is a higher meaning to my life now, I HAVE to keep together. I am a father. And I can't lose it every time something comes up any more.

Today I was contacted by someone interviewing members of the tribe Jarkko and I are in for It's Pop. I spouted on for somewhere around 15 pages or more - answering his questions, and just telling him my story in general. My favorite part was talking about how Jarkko and I came to be together. And then, though I only touched on it briefly, about Erkin becoming our son.

Yes, last night was bad, but today is a new day. No matter what, I will go on, and I will be there for my son, and for my husband to be. Unendlichkeit.

I wake for a moment, on the van, somewhere between NY and London. Jarkko is asleep, curled up on the seat next to me. I check on Erki. He is also asleep but needs a change. I gently wake him and change his diaper, and he smiles at me when I tickle his soft little belly. I pick him up and hold him for a bit, just kissing and cuddling with him. He is so sleepy he clings to me and falls right back asleep. I kiss his little forehead and put him back in the child carrier, making sure he is firmly buckled in. I sit for a moment, cuddled up to my Jarkko, Erkki still clutching my finger in his little hand. I feel as though this is all I have ever hoped for, all I have ever dreamed of, and my Jarkko is the one who has helped me achieve it all. I love him so much. He and Erki are everything to me. I slowly fade back into dreamland, still feeling Erkin's little hand on mine, my other arm wrapped snugly around Jarkko. My two favorite guys in existence. Right now, this moment, my life is complete. I have all I could ever have hoped for, and in about a month I will have even more. I love my guys so much. They are my life. I wouldn't trade them for the world.

I stopped in NY to reclaim my own home, to let my folks meet the love of my life, and ended up bringing so much more with me when I left. I now have a son, Erkin. He is so beautiful, and so bright, a shining little star. He already calls me Papa and Jarkko Vati. Such a sweet little one, the crowning point of the best day of our life together so far. New York is ours... Once more I can call it one of my homes... One of our homes.

The things that grieve me most have been forced to the forefront lately, almost had my nose rubbed in them. And I can't just forget it. Trying to forgive. But how the hell do you manage to forget?

Not Ready to Make Nice - The Dixie Chicks


Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting

I'm through, with doubt,
There's nothing left for me to figure out,
I've paid a price, and i'll keep paying

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

I know you said
Why can't you just get over it,
It turned my whole world around
and i kind of like it

I made by bed, and I sleep like a baby,
With no regrets and I don't mind saying,
It's a sad sad story
That a mother will teach her daughter
that she ought to hate a perfect stranger.
And how in the world
Can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they'd write me a letter
Saying that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting

Mitch had really gotten out of hand with his drinking and it landed him in the hospital. And now it has worried me to the point that I'm there too. I just don't know what to do. I asked him to stop - told him it was ruining his health, even if it made him feel happier for a short while. He said he will stop and seems really sorry about it, but it still worries me that he got to this point to begin with. I actually had to fire him from the band overnight so the concert that night wouldn't fail. How horrible is that? I feel like somehow this is cause of something I did. I just don't know how to fix him. I just can't handle it anymore tho. If he doesn't quit it I don't know if I can be around him - it just has changed him so much. He is not the man I fell in love with when he is drinking. And he just gets so unreliable. He misses flights and stuff all the time, even when I am constantly trying to tell him when the flight is and such. Sometimes he forgets to buy tickets alltogether. I don't know what to do about it and it is really stressing our relationship. If things don't improve in that department, and fast, I may need to let him go from the band permanently. I just can't have a two person band with only one person committed to it being a success. And I don't think I can be in a relationship, much less a marriage, with someone who is only a shell of their true self. I also want to have a child some day, one which ideally would be adopted by Mitch as well. How could I bring a kid into this kind of situation though? What am I going to do about this. I am so upset about it I had to check back into the hospital after the solo concert. This is killing me inside. What can I do? What is there to be done?

37mm by AFI

Bring your secrets to me,
Just give me your hands,
And I'll let you feel the wounds.
They put in me.

If you believe in me,
How can I be dissolving?
If you'd believe me,
I'd tell you everything.

Do you fall too?
(everytime that I)
Yes, I fall.
(everytime that I)
Do you want to,
(try to pacify)

Fall into me?
(fall into me)
(fall into me)
Into me.

Silence can you hear me?
Press me to your lips,
And I'll suck the poison out.
Who will heal me? me..

If you keep killing me,
How can I keep absolving?
Your sins into me,
Begin the poisoning.

Do you fall too?
(everytime that I)
Yes, I fall.
(everytime that I)
Do you want to,
(try to pacify)

Fall into me?
(fall into me)
(fall into me)
Into me.

Time, time, time,
We're not, waiting.
Time, time, time
We're no one.

[distant:] unknown. unknown.

Do you fall too?
(everytime that I)
Yes, I fall.
(everytime that I)
Do you want to?
(try to pacify)

Fall into me
(fall into me)

Do you fall too?
(everytime that I)
Yes, I fall.
(everytime that I)
Do you want to,
(try to pacify)

Fall into me
(fall into me)
(fall into me)
Into me.

We are no one.
We are no one.
We are one.
We are no one.
We are,
We are no one.
We are no one.
We are one.
We are no one.
We are,
We are no one.
We are no one.
We are one.
We are no one.
We are,
We are no one.
We are no one.
We are one.
We are no one.
We are,
We are no one.
We are no one.
We are one.
We are no one.
We are. [in background of this "we are": no one]