I know it's been ages since I wrote anything in here.  It's not that nothing has been happening.  Quite the opposite.  It seems like everything has happened since the last time I posted here.  The world has spun off of its axis and then been knocked back on track.  I made a foolish mistake that I will pay for the rest of my life, and it hurt Jarkko and will keep hurting him every time he sees the child which will come from that mistake.

It's hard.  Very hard.  I am trying the best I can not to automatically resent the child because of the turmoil surrounding his or her conception and the havok he or she will wreak in our marriage. 

It's ironic.  I, who always wants another baby, finally decide that we have enough and then end up about to have another baby.  And this one I don't want.  If I could undo its conception - everything about it - I would, without hesitation. 

It saddens me that I even feel that way.  Babies have always been a joi to me but i am already dreading this child's arrival.  Every day my betrayal will be rubbed in our faces.  Maybe I should name him or her Jude or Judas.  And maybe the world will never quite be back on the same track it was on before.