Nightmares. Every night the nightmares come, whether he remembers them or not. This night he thrashes against the bed, his head shaking a violent "no" against the pillow, and wakes screaming again, as he does in the middle of every night. He clings to Jarkko, crying, trying to get rid of the image in his head. All of the nightmares are about Her and the things she did to him. This night, he remembered more, as he does each day and night, but usually the nightmares he forgets. This one he remembers.

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As always, She does things to him that are wrong, wrong for anyone to do to another person, especially without their consent, but even more wrong when done by one family member to another, by an aunt to the nephew who she has been trusted to care for.

He is about 13. His voice has just barely started changing - still not settled into what it will be as an adult. His parents bring him, as they do every weekend, to her for "Therapy" since he is having problems in school and relating to other kids his age. Once they leave and their car is out of sight, she pulls the blinds and makes him lay down on the bed. He goes numb. He has learned it's best to do what she asks of him, but he also knows that if he detaches himself from it all it doesn't hurt as bad.

This time, she does something she rarely has done before. He doesn't realize, but this is going to become frequently required of him from now on. She undresses him, then herself, and starts fondling him. He knows better than to try to resist getting hard, so he just tunes out, mentally, and his body does what any healthy male body would when being fondled and stroked. Once he is erect, she straddles him, pushing against him till he's inside her, and starts moving on top of him. He stays numb, just letting his body react, but not feeling anything in the safe place he's made for his mind to go when she does these things. Before long, he ejaculates, and she seems pleased, but this time instead of pulling away from him and laying down next to him and holding him, she keeps riding him. It hurts, as the nerves are not accustomed to continued stimulation after he's climaxed. His mind retreats further inward, sealing off from the hurt. He doesn't lose his erection - she doesn't let him. Once the pain of overstimulation lets up he is back to being numb, and lets his body react again.

This time after he ejaculates, she climbs off of him, and cuddles up to him as he lies, pale, ragdoll limp and not moving, almost frigid beside her. She smiles at him, wrapping her arms around him. He makes himself stay and not recoil like he wishes he could. "Today," she says, "Is a very special day, JJ." He swallows hard when she calls him that. He hates when anyone calls him that any more because it is what she calls him. "Today," she continues, "I am ovulating. Do you know what that means?" He numbly nods his head. He learned all about this in Health class. He thinks about what this means and his stomach knots up. He runs to the bathroom and vomits.

A few weeks later he is there again, and she has just made him perform oral sex on her. "JJ, I'm late for my period. Do you know what that means?" He blinks slowly and swallows hard. He knows what it means. She takes out a pregnancy test. "I'm going to see now if we've made a baby together. Won't that be wonderful if we have a baby?" He doesn't respond. She disappears into the bathroom and comes back out with the stick. "It says wait five minutes... so here we go. She starts fondling him while she waits. He wants to disappear, but can't. After a few minutes, there are two blue lines on the test. "Oh, JJ! You're going to be a daddy!" He curls up into a little ball and tries to fade out of existance.

About six weeks later, he is there again. She is furious this time, screaming, yelling, hitting him. He doesn't flinch. He just lays there, letting her rage against him. She screams, "This is all your fault! You didn't want this baby and now I've lost it! It's your fault! I HATE YOU! You useless slime! You're not even a real man. You can't make love, you can't make a baby! Everything you touch turns to shit! You're WORTHLESS." He just lays there. He doesn't even flinch.

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Jay remembers all this, holding his husband in the night and crying. Jarkko, as always, comforts him, sharing his nightmares like he does all the dreams he's helped Jay make reality. As he remembers, his stomach gets sicker and sicker. Finally he dashes to the bathroom, retching so hard there's blood mixed in with the bile. After his stomach stops heaving, he takes a small glass of water and rinses his mouth out. He then takes a few sips of the water to help ease the burning in his throat, pouring the rest down the drain.

He shuffles back to the bedroom, head down, eyes sunken and hollow, and nuzzles into Jarkko. He hopes that perhaps sleep will ward off this memory, but he has a feeling this one will stay. And when he wakes up in the morning, this one he remembers.