IC and OOC

If there is one person or more on your friends list who makes your world a better place just because they exist and who you would not have met (in real life or not) without the internet, then post this same sentence in your journal

[ooc: see this for more reference to the subject.]

Some time before dawn he wakes once more, nuzzling close to his engel.  He finally remembers everything about Her, and what she did.  It's a loss of course, but it's also relieved him of so much, and tied up so many loose ends in his life.  He knows the answer now to that question he once craved answered so badly that he had scratched it into his own skin.  He knows why.  Or at least he knows enough of why to let the past be finally buried.

He remembers his "cousin" now.  Small and precocious, he was reminiscent of Cami when she first came to live with he and Jarkko.  A little boy with big eyes and an even bigger heart, but who he couldn't bear to be around because of all he represented.  Until his "cousin" had been born, Jason had been a name he felt belonged to him.  But She had taken even that.  It was his no longer - She had given it to the little boy who looked so much like him he was sure the world knew why.

She had been dead almost as many years now as little Jason had been alive until She grew bored with him.  He shudders, knowing if there had been more to question it, he may well have ended up the star beneath the stairs years before little jason was born.  A little voice long gone asks Am I the star beneath the stairs, am I the ghost upon the stage, am I your anything? He murmurs to the ghost who sings to him: "You... are my son.  Sorry I couldn't save you.  I needed saving myself back then, and didn't find my saviour till years later." The tiny little whisper sings back to him

And I don't want to, die tonight will you believe in me
And I don't, want to fall into the light

Will you wish upon, will you walk upon me?
I don't wanna die tonight

He sighs deep.  "I'm sorry.  She broke me too, but in different ways.  It took me twenty years to mend most of what She tore.  And I'm still working on it.  I knew I couldn't save you.  But at least I'm still here.  But you changed me.  Even through my amnesia, I felt compelled to guard, nurture and protect every child I could.  I kept wanting more and more kinder.  Now I know why.  I wanted them because I didn't have you.  Now I have you back.  I have claimed you as mine, and taken you back from Her.  You are my son.  And you have my name, Jason."

He feels small arms around him, and hears a tiny whisper of love and thanks.  He hugs back, even though he knows there's nothing corporeal about this embrace.  Then, as  he holds and rocks the son he couldn't acknowledge while he'd been alive, he feels him leave, whispering again, Thank you, Papa.  "You're welcome, son.  Godspeed."

As the first rays of sun peer over the horizon, he sighs softly and looks at his saviour, so drained from all of this that he's out cold beside him.  He cuddles close to him, pulling the blanket up around him, feeling a sudden chill though the room is not cold.  He knows that in a little over a week he will have one more child, perhaps his last.  He's still concerned about how Jsrkko may react, but he's no longer afraid.  After all they have been through together, he knows this can't stop them.  He knows that together they are invincible.  He knows that this time, in the end, they will go Home.

I know it's been ages since I wrote anything in here.  It's not that nothing has been happening.  Quite the opposite.  It seems like everything has happened since the last time I posted here.  The world has spun off of its axis and then been knocked back on track.  I made a foolish mistake that I will pay for the rest of my life, and it hurt Jarkko and will keep hurting him every time he sees the child which will come from that mistake.

It's hard.  Very hard.  I am trying the best I can not to automatically resent the child because of the turmoil surrounding his or her conception and the havok he or she will wreak in our marriage. 

It's ironic.  I, who always wants another baby, finally decide that we have enough and then end up about to have another baby.  And this one I don't want.  If I could undo its conception - everything about it - I would, without hesitation. 

It saddens me that I even feel that way.  Babies have always been a joi to me but i am already dreading this child's arrival.  Every day my betrayal will be rubbed in our faces.  Maybe I should name him or her Jude or Judas.  And maybe the world will never quite be back on the same track it was on before.

I am so blessed.  I have everything I always wanted.  The best husband anyone could ask for.  A beautiful family.  A career, a business AND a CEO job.  Plenty of friends who are also as close as family.  Thank you, whatever powers there are that run this universe.  I am eternally grateful.

A whole year now... And forever to go.

I am 60% Psychic

I can accurately predict whether someone: likes country music has a blog likes cold weather I cannot tell whether someone: likes babies likes vegetables has been to europe

See what my psychic predicted for me! Take the quiz and get predictions at Spacefem.com

I am 73% Psychic

I can accurately predict whether someone: can make toast is psychic has a college degree I cannot tell whether someone: likes to write likes mustard on hamburgers suffers from seasonal allergies

See what my psychic predicted for me! Take the quiz and get predictions at Spacefem.com

These first two are for Jay - Fickle thing that he is, he couldn't decide between them.

Take The 'Which Fallen Angel Would You Be?' Quiz
Brought to you by Angel August's Abode

Azazel is denoted as the leader of the fallen angels in the Dead Sea Scrolls. Perhaps he was just the scapegoat held responsible for the sins introduced to mankind. His sins include teaching men to fashion swords and shields and teaching the arts of warfare. To women, he taught the arts of beautifying the eyelids, as well as the reddening of the cheeks. He showed women how to use cosmetics, perfumes and fine silks to inflame a man's passions. He taught them not only to use their bodies to seduce men, but how to torment them in a similar fashion. Azazel initially refused to bow to Adam as God instructed the angels to do, though he eventually did concede.

Take The 'Which Fallen Angel Would You Be?' Quiz
Brought to you by Angel August's Abode

Sariel was once an archangel, and one of the most holy of God's children. He was also a wielder of thunder and is said to torture those who believe they have dominion over nature. Some say he is the angel of death, for he is the one who retrieved the soul of Moses from Mount Sinai. He is also called by some a "prince of the presence" and an angel of healing. His name appears in Gnostic amulets and it is said that when he's invoked, he appears in the form of an ox. He is associated with the skies and instructs others on the course of the Moon. He taught mankind the secrets of fortune telling. It is said that he revealed to them the secrets of the Tarot cards.

Take The 'Which Fallen Angel Would You Be?' Quiz
Brought to you by Angel August's Abode

Ironically, for an evil angel, Penemue was the curer of stupidity. This seems to go against church doctrines which state that demons are stupid. However, a demon needs to be intelligent and cunning in order to be able to tempt the wisest of men. He also taught man the bitter and the sweet, and the secret of their wisdom. Worst of all, he taught the use of ink and paper in writing. For God had said that human beings were not created for such purposes.

Yoinked from sistahraven
If you could have seven homes like some unmentioned recent political candidate, where would you have them? For simplicity, let's limit this to the country in which you currently reside. Obviously, we're pretending that money is no object.


IC (To HELL with simplicity! - In no particular order)
1. Paris, France (already own a home there)
2. Nashville, Tennessee (already own a home there)
3. New York City (already own one there too)
4. London, England
5. Montreal, Canada
6. Sao Paolo, Brazil
7. Tokyo, Japan


OOC (To HELL with simplicity as well, but more in my country at least!)
1. Brattleboro, VT
2. Anywhere in Virginia
3. New York City
4. Paris, France
5. Montreal, Canada
6. Arizona
7. Tokyo, Japan


If you saw me in a police car, what would you think I got arrested for? Answer, then if you want, post to your own journal and see how many crimes you get accused of.

(Try to post yours without looking at other comments first.)

JasonSohkanen: What's Sexy About Your Name

You are sexy because you are wild. You are a very sexually daring person. You are very into trying new and edgy things. You love taboos. You are a sexual dabbler. You like to take on unusual fantasies and roles. Anyone who wants to be your partner better be extremely open minded! You consider yourself a sex expert, and you love to give your friends advice. You feel like it's your personal mission to make everyone a little more sexually liberated.

E What's Sexy About Your Name

You are sexy because you have an amazing mind. You are good at forming deep connections. You are very verbal. Sexual attraction isn't going to happen until you can really talk to someone. You are up for a challenge, and you don't mind taking the time to seduce someone. You enjoy getting inside someone's head. You love figuring out how people tick and learning how to get them to love you. You expect your lover to also be your best friend. You need someone who as loyal and dedicated as you are. If you can't get along outside of the bedroom, you won't get along in the bedroom.

3 am low blood sugar wake-up.... Complete with the shakes and a lovely side order of anxiety.  I drank some juice and had some sweetened cereal to try to stabilize it but still have the jitters.  This, of course, will mean tomorrow is totally fucked.  *sigh*  Gonna try to sleep some more in a bit.  Wish the shakes would quit.

Mike wakes and finds Rayne's note saying he's gone to the AIDS clinic to get started taking medications. He closes his eyes as one tear after another falls. "Oh my god, what have I done?" He asks himself. He knows Rayne will have to take AZT for the rest of his life now, to try to stop HIV from taking hold.

It doesn't matter that Rayne has said over and over that he doesn't want to go on after Mike dies. Mike knows there is a big difference between someone taking their own life and doing something to them that will inevitably lead to their death. He feels like he was weak, like he was selfish. Why had he told Rayne they could be intimate without the condom this time? Mike knows, deep inside, that Rayne means it when he says he won't go on living without him. But this is different.

He closes his eyes, knowing that now Rayne will want to forgo the condoms whenever possible. He can't blame him. It definitely feels better without them. He thinks about Rayne, remembering his words the night before. "I don't want to live a single day without you." Living. He wonders, what is living anymore? He seems to always be worried about dying, but doesn't focus at all on actually living. He sighs.

Mike knows Rayne plans to kill himself the day he dies. He decides that he can't spend the rest of his life dying. He will do whatever he can to spend the rest of the time he has with Rayne living; enjoying life as much as he can, and giving Rayne as much enjoyment as he can as well. He will go on living, instead of going on dying. He will love Rayne the way he deserves to be loved: wholeheartedly, with all of his body, mind and soul. Without barriers.

Poor Celestina. What has she gone and done to you? Just when I thought I was over losing you, your mother takes you out of the world permanently. I can't even begin to express the horror and devastation your Vati, your brothers and sisters and I feel.

Before she murdered you, there was a scar in our family where your mother had cut you out. Now there is a void, black and desolate. She even got rid of your photos, Starshine. How could she be so cruel? You were her flesh, her seed, her own daughter.

It takes a horrid, twisted, despicable monster to do such a thing to their own child. And for what? To get some attention? To twist the knives a half-twist further, deeper into our backs? At least you will never be whored off by her. You will never be sold to the highest bidder so they can steal your innocence and soil you forever. You will remain forever pure, and now you are where even she can't sink her evil claws into you.

Rest in peace, sweet Starshine. Your Papa and Vati love you endlessly.



This Time Imperfect

I cannot leave here, I cannot stay,
Forever haunted, more than afraid,
Asphyxiate on words I would say,
I'm drawn to a blackened sky as I turn blue,

There are no flowers, no not this time,
There'll be no angels gracing the lines,
Just these stark words, I find,
I'd show a smile, but I'm too weak,
I'd share with you could I only speak,
Just how much this, hurts me,


I cannot stay here, I cannot leave,
Just like all I loved, I'm make-believe,
Imagined heart, I disappear,
Seems...no one will appear here and make me real,

There are no flowers, no, not this time,
There will be no angels gracing the lines,
Just these stark words I find,
I'd show a smile, but I'm too weak,
I'd share with you could I only speak,
Just how much this hurts me,

I'd tell you how it haunts me,
I'd tell you how it haunts me,
(cuts through my day, and sinks into my dreams)
I'd tell you that it haunts me,
(cuts through my day, and sinks into my dreams)
You don't care that it haunts me,

Oh!
There are no flowers, no, not this time,
There will be no angels gracing the lines,
Just these stark words I find,
I'd show a smile, but I'm too weak,
I'd share with you could I only speak,
Just how much this hurts me,
Just how much this hurts me,
Just how much you...
-AFI


Morningstar

I saw a star beneath the stairs
Glowing through the melting walls
Who will be the first to begin their fall?
Or will we become one?

Am I the star beneath the stairs?
Am I the ghost upon the stage?
Am I your anything?

I saw a star beneath the stairs
Glowing bright before descent
And in the morning there is nothing left but what's inside of me.

Am I the star beneath the stairs?
Am I the ghost upon the stage?
Am I your anything?
Am I the star beneath the stairs?
Am I the ghost upon the stage?
Am I your anything?

And I don't want to die tonight, will you believe me?
And I don't want to fall into the light
Will you wish upon?
Will you walk upon me?
I don't wanna die tonight

Will you believe in me tonight?
Am I the star beneath the stairs?
Am I the ghost upon the stage?
Am I your anything?
Am I the star beneath the stairs?
Am I the ghost upon the stage?
Am I your anything?
-AFI

Funny, I thought I looked more like Davey Havok than that...

http://www.myheritage.com/collage

And using an older picture:

http://www.myheritage.com/collage

[OOC:]

http://www.myheritage.com/collage

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished Jay to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how Jay matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Moderate
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Moderate

Take the Dante's Inferno Test
The Dante's Inferno Test has banished E to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how E matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Moderate
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Moderate

Take the Dante's Inferno Test

He Feels Like Home

Mike wakes up at dawn, still hypervigilant after spending so long living on the streets.  He realizes where he is and relaxes, but only slightly.  He looks at the stranger.  Rayne.  He said his name is Rayne.  He looks at Rayne in the soft light of the sunrise as it streams into the hospital window.  He wonders.  Who is this kind stranger holding his hand?  Why did he take him to get medical care when he was on death's door, lying on a bench in Central Park?  And why is he still here, staying with him, even though he knows Mike has this "gay disease" as people have called it, knowing that he puts himself at risk by being close to him and holding his scratch-riddled hands?  He can tell Rayne has had some kind of medical training.  Surely he must know that Mike is a walking biohazard, that his blood and body fluids are laced with a deadly disease; one which has no cure.

He sighs softly.  In the soft light of morning, Rayne looks... now he sees, yes... he looks like he himself would, if his life had been different.  He looks like he could be Mike's brother, possibly even his twin.  He wonders if maybe Rayne IS his brother.  He lost contact with his parents when he ran away from home at age fifteen.  That was over ten years ago.  For all he knows, he could have been a twin, separated at birth.  He remembers, though, that Rayne is foreign.  German.  He doesn't think it's common for German parents to adopt American babies.  He decides to ask Rayne about it later, when he's feeling a bit more talkative.

Now, all Mike feels is drugged.  Whatever they are giving him, it's not bad.  It's not as good as H, but doctors don't give out anything THAT good unless you're dying.  Well, unless you're almost dead as it is.  He knows he's not that far gone yet.  Except for the KS, his main health problems at present are heroin withdrawals and dehydration.  He closes his eyes, resting a bit, wondering who this guardian angel at his bedside really is, and why he really is helping him.  He's sure Rayne must want something from him.

Whatever it is that the ruggedly handsome stranger wants of his is anyone's guess.  He has nothing to offer.  Homeless, penniless, and contagious.  The only thing he might have had to give is dangerous.  Sex with him was like using dirty needles now.  It might feel good in the moment, but down the road it would turn against him.  It would kill him like it was going to kill Mike.  He couldn't want that.  Unless he really IS crazy.  Well, if he's that crazy he'll find a way to get what he wants one way or another. Mike figures it's Rayne's choice how he wants to spend his time and money.

Money.  Neither of them has any.  He has nowhere to go, and no one to go to.  Rayne MUST be crazy to even bother with him.  He opens his eyes, again looking at Rayne.  Somehow, when he holds his hand, the emptiness inside isn't as empty.  The solitude isn't as lonely.  The fear isn't as terrifying.  Somehow, even though he's homeless, there's something about Rayne that makes him feel safe, sheltered.  There's something about him that makes him feel that, after so many years on the streets, he's finally found something.   Rayne feels like home to him.  He feels like home.